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Written Works

Only recently have I come to realize my voice as a writer. I've always said that the silver lining in a bad experience is the great chapter it would make in the book of my life. 

Monologues

Of Fact And Fiction

Here are some examples from my ever developing collection Monologues From The Mind

Enjoy

Crisco

September Twenty Fourth Twenty Nineteen

“The secret...is crisco”. 

That’s It. That is all the note said.

I have absolutely no idea what I meant. 

Who was the note for , what is crisco the secret for.

Does anyone even still use crisco?

I asked my parents and they said my Nana used to. To make fried chicken. Ya know when I was a baby my parents brought me down south to meet some family. I must have been not even shy of two years old then. Greenville, South Carolina.

Must have been hot that summer. There’s pictures of my cousins playing in a sprinkler. My Dad has his arm protectively around my mother as they stroll through the streets he grew up on.

Very different from her birthplace of Brooklyn. The food was probably delicious. Ribs, beans, the famous family mac and cheese. The kind you put in the oven and forms a crust, ya know?

 

Then there’s me, sat in my Nana’s lap.

She popped a chicken bone in my toothless mouth.

Said sucking on the marrow would help me grow strong. 

Life was simpler then.

Plane Potty

See I tend to suffer in silence when it comes to modes of transportation. So for me to use the toilet on an airplane is a big development. I’d never even stood up on a plane while it was in the air , for fear that I would somehow throw it off balance. It threw me off at first so I kinda wobbled. But I didn’t wanna touch anyone else’s seat so I just stood and wobbled for a second. Just long enough for a dude to look at me funny. Then I’m there- the porcelain sky throne. I wrestle with the doors a bit cause you have to press a button and push at the same time which is oddly common in the UK for some reason. It’s surprisingly roomie in there what for having such odd tiny accordion doors. I had room to spread my arms, it was marvelous. It was like a vacation from the flight. Warm lighting , warm water and oh god could have done without the well lit mirror. That was just rude. Like why put the mirror in front of the toilet. So I can study the face I make when I pee? It’s like I’m intruding on myself. Then there’s the toilet.  The dreaded plane potty. You see I have always been terrified of that toilet. Cause I had a nightmare once when I was about seven. Just the once. Where I was sucked into an airplane toilet and ejected out of the plane and into the sea.

 

I can’t hold it anymore at this point and I’ve been in there long enough that I’m wondering if there’s a queue begun to form in the aisle. The plane starts to dip a bit and shake so I brace myself ... as you do. And I’ve kinda got one hand pressed high up against the wall to my right , the other white knuckle gripping the edge of the tiny sink in front of me with my feet spread to each corner of the cubicle kind of pigeon toed. Then comes the flush , it’s like thunder and the strongest Hoover vacc went off at the same time. It’s a good thing I’d already gone to the bathroom cause that nearly scared the shit out of me. The rest of the ordeal was rather average but the odd thing was as I peered out of the toilet and scurried back to my safe haven of a seat, it didn’t seem like anyone had heard anything. All those  slams and whooshes and I get nothing. I was half expecting applause on my way out for having survived, but alas all I got was that one dude who looked at me funny.

 

PS to the very sweet and patient flight attendant who got me hot coco, pretzels and pads , you’ve single-handedly saved the reputation of this airline for me.

Goats

“What’s the point of a mountain if there aren’t no fucking goats”

My aunts Italian accented voice cut thru the gentle thrum of Billy Joel on the radio. She has a point I guess. I mean goats seem chill. Does anyone remember when we were all obsessed with the fact that goats lick rocks? Then people started to lick the rocks. We are such herd creatures when it comes down to it.

 

The mountain my aunt is referring to isn’t the most impressive one I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, it’s beautiful in that way that most natural big rocks are. But. I have to give best mountain view to the Alps. Boy was that a trip. I was with this group and we went into this little church in the mountainside of Switzerland. Now usually places of worship make me itchy (another story) but this one. This one was serene.

 

The stained glass windows illuminated by the rising sun was so calming I almost forgot where I was. Staring up at those arches I lost track of time. Everyone else had already gone. Eager to go shopping or skiing. Me , I wanted nothing more than to pull out a good book and listen to the church bells. At least until a priest scared the shit out of me. I turned around and he was just there. So I smiled and said hello, like ya do , but he was blocking my way to the door. He said , “you need” and then just started to pray over me. I think it was Latin but it’s hard to tell in those situations. It felt like I was there for hours but it was probably only five minutes or so.

 

When he finished he looked up and smiled at me and said “you glow now” and led me out of the back of the church.

There it was , the most gorgeous mountain I had ever seen. I wonder if there were goats on it.

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